By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.