My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
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Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
If a snake ate a cake
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.