Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
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Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
They’re the worst 😩
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song