THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
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Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.