Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys