If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
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You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Hey i am sexy to you now
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.