Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
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where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I falcon love using swear birds
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”