Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
When news reporters do sports stories
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints