Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it