If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
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8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.