What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
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Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Netflix and you sit over there.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco