saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES