Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
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Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?