Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
You Might Also Like
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.