Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
put ‘er there pardner!
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”