Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
So creative 😂
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
No, he would not have.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.