teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop