All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
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Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
figuring out my emotional availability:
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly