Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.