Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
You look like you would fail a DNA test
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss