The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
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8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
lmfao
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.