Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
$3 #books
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My brain is a bad influence on me