Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
we all know this pain all too well
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
even bears disappoint their mothers
My five year plan is a meteorite
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?