“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.