[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
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I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose