A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.