Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.