My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”