Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
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Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.