I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
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Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.