My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
🤭😂
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*