As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
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The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?