Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.