Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m awake but I object,
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]