I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
No regrets in 2018
I’m giving up ice.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.