wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door