Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
😂😂😂
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”