I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.