FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
You Might Also Like
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling