When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.