We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time