I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi