and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.