From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
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My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: