That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Always.
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When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.