Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Order here:
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.