*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
A small tragedy.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.