i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
A short story about romance.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together