There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
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I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.