Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂